After Home
by BelleOfTheDead
Summary: Rick, Michonne, and Carl deal with the aftermath of Negan's attack. Will it bring them closer or tear them apart?
1. Home

Chapter 1 - Home

He sat unmoving for so long she was sure his legs must be cramping beneath him. Knelt like he was when Negan brutal executed Glenn and in an almost catatonic state even after returning to their home in the Alexandria Safe Zone.

 _It was anything but safe now_ , she thought, her eyes fixed on Rick and she held Judith tighter and closer than usual, nuzzling the soft wisps of hair atop the toddler's head.

Carl had immediately clung to Michonne when they returned home. For hours, he lay with his head in her lap on the sofa, much like he had the night after the Claimers had attacked them. Comforting Carl had the odd affect of giving her some comfort, too. Then they collected Judith from Father Gabriel and Carl was now showering before bed.

Michonne thought it might be a good idea for them all to sleep in one room tonight, but Judith had other ideas as she had already fallen asleep in her arms.

She took the few steps to the little angel's room and placed her in bed where she softly moaned at the temporary loss of warmth before Michonne lifted her blanket around her and kissed her forehead. With that, Judith drifted back to her peaceful slumber and Michonne watched in wonder, her grief over the day's horrific events lifting ever so slightly with each moment around the miracle that was Judith and in the comfort of home.

Rick needed her now, and she needed him to help her heal fully, but holding the kids had given her a small boost and she wanted to share it with him. She wanted to hold him and be held by him, knowing just that simple act would help them both get through the night.

Walking back to their room, she watched him from the doorway, still seated across the room near the window. There with the moonlight casting an aura around him. It was almost ethereal.

'You really love him, don't you?' Carl said in a voice so low she barely heard him. He was dressed in clean clothes now, though his hair was wet.

She simply nodded in response, Carl knew her better than anyone.

'I'm glad. Because it looks like he needs you,' Carl said, staring over at his father. 'I need to go check on Enid and Maggie.'

A look of concern washed over her as she turned to him. 'No Carl, you need to…'

'I need to see Enid,' he cut her off.

Michonne understood. And despite being uneasy about him leaving even to go just a few houses down, she knew she would have to let him go.

Enid and Maggie were at the infirmary Rosita, Aaron, Eric, and Spencer. Michonne had wished they could all have stayed together when they returned to town, but Rick's feet brought him home, so she and Carl followed.


	2. Alone

Part 2 - Alone

Turning her attention back to Rick, she heard Carl slip quietly out of the house just as she slipped quietly into the room.

'Rick,' she spoke softly. He didn't react or respond. Not wanting to startle him she called out to him again a little more loudly this time.

'Rick.'

Nothing.

She took a few more steps and moved to stand in front of him. Then she bent down to sit aikido before him.

His eyes were open, but they were far away. He was far away. She could still see the look of horror in them and she knew he was reliving the moment when they lost Glenn again and again in a vicious loop. Reaching out to him, she sought to break that loop by placing her hand on his.

But, he did the strangest thing. Before her hand met his, he said quietly but firmly, 'No.'

Confusion and a sense of darkness crept up her spine, but she didn't pay head to it and she reached out again, this time to touch his cheek.

'No!' Rick stated again, more firmly this time, and he moved his head back enough to avoid her touch.

A little tremor of panic now blended with Michonne's voice and she instinctively reached out both arms to him to capture his face and pull his eyes to her.

'Stop!' He rose to stand and her eyes followed him as her trembling arms moved around her center as though she had been kicked.

She didn't know how long she sat there or how long he stood before his next words. 'This world is filled with monsters,' he finally began. 'And you either become one or you get beaten by one.' His pain and grief had morphed into anger. 'You let me believe it could be different. YOU let me think this place held a future for us. But there is no future for us. There's no future for anyone.'

Rising to her feet, she was determined to get through this with him, reaching out for his hand again she started, nearly pleading. 'Rick, we can…'

'No, Michonne. No we can't.' And again he evaded her touch. It was becoming clear. He was not going to touch her or let her touch him. He was angry with her. Accusing her. And the shock of it stole her voice…and much more.

'What kind of life is this for Carl and Judith?' he was ranting and rambling now as he turned away from her to stare out the window. But those words. Those words shook her to her core. Those were Mike's words, not Rick's.

She walked up behind him but didn't risk a touch. Collecting herself and steadying her voice, she said as sternly as she could, 'We will figure this out, Rick. We will find a way to overcome this and we will build a future for them.'

He turned to her, looking at her as if she didn't get it. As if she was the one who had fallen off the rails. Maybe she was. Maybe she had. Because nothing prepared her for his next words.

'There is no We. I have to do this. I have to figure this out. Alone.'

Wide eyed and wounded she took a step back. Maybe she had approached him too soon. Maybe he needed more time to himself to process all that had happened.

'Okay, you need a little more time alone,' she said, soothingly. 'I'll sleep in Judith's..'

He turned his eyes to pierce her's. The steel blue was cold and penetrating, and the look stole the remaining words from her lips.

'Yes, I need to be alone. With my family.' There it was. And it felt like the cold end of Negan's bat against her chest. Causing her to flinch.

Her eyes now pooled with tears that had been waiting to fall since they spotted him and Carl on their knees at Negan's mercy. She had been held captive at gun point today. She had witnessed one of her best friends brutally murdered. And now, she had lost Rick. All in one day.

Dazed and destroyed, and without a sound to give, she walked out of the room, out of the house, and away from the people who had become her home.


	3. Gone

Chapter 3 - Gone

'Dad?'

Carl had returned home with news about Maggie. She was finally resting comfortably. The pain in her abnomin subsided and she had cried herself to sleep. His heart went out to Maggie, having lost so much he hated to think she might lose the baby as well.

It made him feel so grateful for his family. He still had his dad and Judith, and Michonne, who he was sometimes ashamed to say was the mother he needed in this world. he never wanted to dishonor his birth mother's memory. She had loved him and he would also love her. But Michonne was person who showed him that strength stemming from love was enough to get through anything. She believed in him, she accepted him, she inspired him. And now, she had bonded with Judith in that way that mother do.

And, she even loved his father. His sometimes reckless though always well meaning father. Since learning of the shift in their relationship, Carl had underplayed how happy he was about it. The truth is, dad was a different kind of happy with Michonne, something he had never seen before, but recognized as a special kind of joy. That joy spilled over onto Judith and even Carl could felt the bliss of their family unit echoing off the walls of their home.

People had started to congregate there. It had become the natural center of the community. And Carl was sure it had everything to do with the warm vibes their family exuded. It drew people in and they welcomed everyone who wanted to be a part of it.

After leaving Enid to get some rest, Carl was eager to get back home and let that warmth surround him again. But the moment he walked in he knew something was different.

Walking upstairs, he saw his dad seated on the bed. He looked towards the bathroom, listening for Michonne, but he heard nothing.

'Dad?' he said again, since Rick had not responded the first time. This time, his father turned his eye's to Carl but said nothing. 'Where's Michonne?'

Rick's eyes shifted to the window that overlooked their community. And a voice that cracked he said, 'She's gone.'


	4. Fists

Chapter 4 - Fists

Carl's eye darkened and his head tilted at his father's words. 'What do you mean, she's gone? Is she patrolling?'

'She's just, gone.' The words felt like acid on Rick's tongue as he almost spit the words out.

'Why?' Carl demanded, walking forward and gripping his shoulders.

It was the first touch Rick had allowed since losing Glenn. Carl's fingers tightened and he shook Rick. It was a small shake designed to bring one's focus back to the topic at hand.

But Rick wasn't focused. Rick's head was spinning out of control. Rick's world was spinning out of control. This day started in this bed with Michonne. And now, he had lost one of his dearest friends, he had lost control of the communities future, and he had pushed away the one person who meant everything to him because he couldn't give her a future.

'Get some sleep. We'll talk about it in the morning.' Rick dismissed him, standing to get out of the boy's grip. Why was he suddenly so weary of being touched?

'What's wrong with you?!' Carl said, his voice growing angry and loud. 'Go get her back. Whatever you did, fix it and bring her back!'

His words weren't registering any more than Rick's own words had registered in his own mind. The world kept spinning wildly. Rick felt like he'd been on the teacup ride he hated so much, only a darker and clouded by despair.

Then, out of nowhere, he felt Carl's fist connect with the side of his jaw. It was a bone crushing blow. Rick's mouth filled with blood as he looked on at Carl's face, furious and looking as though he wanted to hit his dad again.

That was when a light in his mind flickered on. He heard Carl yelling at him again, and then again felt Carl's fist on the other side of his face. The words were indistinguishable, but the pain was sharp. Sharp enough to cause the flicker to turn to a steady glow, which brought with it an awareness.

Carl seemed to recognize the change because he stepped away from his father. They were both breathing hard, but Rick seemed like a man who was taking his first breath in days.

'You're okay now?' Carl asked, his fists still clinched at his sides.

'Yeah, I'm okay now,' Rick answered. 'I'm sorry, I got sucked down for a while. I'm okay.'

'Why did Michonne leave?' Carl stated his question from earlier. 'Where is she going? She should be home.' Carl was now hurling accusingly at Rick.

'I pushed her away,' Rick said, getting up he ran out to find her.


	5. Remorse

Chapter 5 - Remorse

Rick tore out of the house like a bat out of hell. If he could he would have stopped to kick his own ass for the things he'd said to her.

 _His family._ Michonne was everything to him. Family was just the beginning of it. And he'd let her think she wasn't part of it. He blamed her for making life worth living again and then pushed her away when they suffered their first loss since being together.

It was a big loss. Glenn was like a brother to Rick. His friendship was given freely, his loyalty was unflinching, and his moral compass was something Rick knew would help guide the community into the future. He had a wisdom beyond his years and a respect for life that knew no bounds. In these and so many other ways he was like Michonne.

Every one of his friends…his family…had a lot of offer. But Glenn's and Michonne's gifts were deeper. Their understanding of people and the world around them gave the the ability to remain compassionate in the face of true evil. Rick was thought by most to be the leader, but he was guided and supported by Michonne and Glenn.

Losing Glenn gave him a glimpse into the terror of losing Michonne. He would be beyond redemption if that ever happened. He knew he would burn down the world if he loss her. And it scared him shitless.

So many things had become clear to him since Glenn's horrific beating. His family was not safe. They might never be safe again. They didn't control their own destiny. They didn't even control their own fate in getting through the night. And any faith he had left him.

But the worst thing he came to understand was that Michonne owned the other part of his soul. He loved her beyond reason. And when he lost Glenn he began to thing loving her like that was not a thing. Not good for Judith and Carl. Not good for the community. Because he could never admit to anyone that when Negan chose Glenn, Rick felt …..relieved. Relieved it wasn't Michonne.

That thought haunted him every single moment since it happened. How could he take comfort in her arms when he was so selfish. How could he let her work her magic and make everything okay when his thoughts were so treacherous. He felt certain he wasn't the man she thought he was and didn't deserve to be with her. She'd figure that out soon and he decided to push her away before that happened. Maybe next time someone from their group died, he would not take joy in the fact that it wasn't her.

It was the look on Carl's face and burn of his punches that knocked some sense into Rick. Carl was open in his love for Michonne. Rick knew, without asking, that Carl was grateful to be able to return home with both Rick and Michonne intact. And - it was okay.

The fog cleared in Rick's thick head he was able to realize that every loss to their group would be painful. And for everyone they loss, they would celebrate in some way those who remained. He realized too late that they should cling tighter to each other - that he should have clung tighter to Michonne - rather than pushing away.

Now, he would have to find her, and convince her to see his stupidity for what it was - survivor's remorse.


	6. Never Far

Chapter 6 - Never Far

His boots were beating the pavement as he raced around like a man possessed. First doing a quick circle around the community. Then, he slowed to search every nook and cranny. The guard posts, the armory, the pantry… He walked through every single room in every single building that wasn't occupied.

Still, no sign of Michonne. It was after midnight - soon, he would have to start knocking on doors. He didn't want to disturb anyone, but he wasn't going to wait until morning to fix this. Morning would be too late.

He was running past their house again when he sensed her more than he heard her. She was sitting in the grass, her back pressed to the house. Her arms were wrapped around her legs and her head rested atop her knees. Her shoulders were shaking and he knew she was crying.

His Michonne was crying. And he was responsible for these tears. If he could, he would beat himself senseless.

Approaching her slowly and carefully, like he would a wounded bird, he squatted down before her and said her name lightly, like an oath, 'Michonne'.

He saw her stiffen at the sound of his voice, and it broke his heart to have caused her this pain.

She moved as if to stand, but paused when he put his hand out to stop her. The touch did what touches do when you love someone. It soothed and calmed them both. And he cursed himself for not allowing her touch earlier. A simple touch might have been enough to bring him to his senses.

When she didn't push him away as he deserved, he felt hope that maybe she would understand.

'I don't understand,' she uttered, in the softest voice he'd ever heard her use. So vulnerable. So pained. He would have to tread carefully or she would leave him and never look back.

'Baby, I am so sorry for what I said. What I did,' he began, leaning into closer, darkness surrounding them.

'Why?' she asked, echoing Carl's question. While she allowed him to touch her forearms, she didn't move to touch him, instead, keeping her arms around her legs, cocooning herself against any more pain. He had to convince her that he was a fool and would never hurt her again.

Reaching out to cup her chin, he drew her eyes to his. 'I'm going to try to explain this. But I have to make sure you know, You are everything to me. I love you so deeply. So completely. I physically ache for you.'

Did she understand? Did she comprehend?

'You are so much a part of my family, no family exists without you. That scares me. My love for you scares me. And tonight, it scared me more than ever before.' She was listening. Her eyes softened and she listened as he continued.

Rick moved closer now, placing one of his legs on either side of her so that her was wrapped around her. Leaning in until his forehead met hers he admitted the awful truth, 'tonight, when my brother was killed right before my eyes, at the same moment I wept for him, I also felt a profound sense of relief.'

He closed his eyes, never more ashamed of anything in his life. 'I was relieved it wasn't you. I was aware that I couldn't allow the world to go on without you, and I felt so grateful you survived.'

He lifted his head now, to gage her reaction. Would it be disgust? Would she leave him after all? This was a shitty thing to admit on the day of Glenn's death, but he wouldn't keep his flaws from her. He only hoped she could love him despite those flaws.

'Oh Rick.' Her eyes met his. She lifted trembling fingers to his face tentatively.

'Michonne, I couldn't accept your touch earlier, because I didn't think deserved it. I was right, I don't deserve it. But I need it, I need you anyway. And if you will have me, I will never push you away again. Please forgive me.'

His eyes never left her face as he promised himself to her. Would she forgive him, or would she leave him. He didn't want to do it, but he was prepared to play the kid card if need be to keep her.

Her eyes mirrored the love he had expressed as they pooled with tears that might be called tears of joy now. 'You are forgive. But never, ever, stop me from touching you again. I can't breathe without touching you.'

Rick exhaled a breath he didn't know he was holding, and pulled her lips to his in a hungry kiss. Devouring her lips there in the shadows of their home. Parting her lips with his, he slipped his tongue inside to ravish her mouth and soak in her essence.

His hands moved to cup her cheeks as he poured all he felt for her into the heat of their mouths. Promises passed between his tongue and hers as they swiped against each other. Swirling around the slick underside of her mouth, he savored her and she moaned into him.

His body responded to her call and he knew he would never want another woman, never love another women, again.

This was the fruit of life to him. With Michonne, anything was possible. All things were possible. Facing down demons was okay if she was by his side every step of the way.

'You didn't go far,' the sound of Carl's voice from the direction of the doorway interrupted them. It was a probably a good interruption, or Rick would have taken her right there on the soft grass.

Michonne untwined herself from me, something Rick was not too pleased about, to stand up and walk over to Carl. 'I will never be far away from you and Judith.'

Carl nodded and she took him in her arms. Rick was struck by the damage he has nearly done, not just to his relationship with Michonne, but to Carl's. Thank god she was here and she was staying.

Rick joined them, placing his arms around both, 'Lets get my family inside,' he said, walking them to the front door.

 **The End**


End file.
